


Kimmy Has a Revelation!

by turntechbasshead



Category: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Self-Discovery, a non-sexual self-discovery, coming out to self?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-07 22:54:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12851265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turntechbasshead/pseuds/turntechbasshead
Summary: A routine trip to the therapist turns out much different than Kimmy could've ever imagined. (originally published May 19th, 2017)





	Kimmy Has a Revelation!

**Author's Note:**

> this is the fastest I have ever written a oneshot. ever. I just wanted to publish it before season 3 started streaming, so this is what y'all get.

"...and that's how velcro ruined my life," Kimmy sighed, gripping the armrest of the couch she sat on in her therapist's office. She peered around at all the plaques and awards that adorned Dr. Bayden's walls, allowing her wonder and amazement to distract her from the trauma she had just relived.

"Okay," Dr. Bayden began, rubbing her throbbing temple with the tips of her fingers, "this is the third session in a row where we've discussed your aversion to velcro and it's making my hangover _that_ much worse. God, night Andrea is a bitch."

"What else am I supposed to talk about?"

Dr. Bayden raised an eyebrow in confusion at Kimmy's question.

"What do you mean, what are you supposed to talk about?"

"Well," Kimmy paused as a frown crawled across her lips, "the velcro and my mom are the most traumatic things I can think of. What else about the bunker would be bothering me so much that I'd need to talk to you about it?"

The still slightly intoxicated therapist shrugged in frustration as she placed her capped pen between clenched teeth and began violently flipping through her notes. Her neatly organized clipboard that rested in her lap became much less organized while she searched through multiple, thick sections of paper at a time. As she reached the bottom of the pile, or the beginning of her notes on Kimmy, she gasped and pressed her finger down firmly on the clipboard.

"The weird sex stuff," Dr. Bayden mumbled, her pen still dangling from her mouth.

Kimmy's eyes widened as the words escaped her therapist's lips.

"Exsqueeze me?"

"The," Dr. Bayden paused, spitting the pen out into her lap, "the weird sex stuff. You briefly mentioned it during," she paused once more, searching for the date on her notes, "your first session. You could talk about that."

Kimmy scrunched her nose in disagreement.

"No, thank you. I think I'll pass."

Dr. Bayden sighed, rubbing her temple with her fingertips once more.

"As your therapist, I disagree with your disagreement. Wholeheartedly, actually. It's very clear to both myself and to night Andrea that this shizz is infesting your brain garden and we need to pull these stupid weeds to let your goddamn thought flowers bloom." Dr. Bayden stared blankly down at her clipboard as the last word left her mouth, realizing how buzzed she still was from the night before. "Jesus..." she mumbled to herself. She looked up at Kimmy, who was too lost in thought to notice that night Andrea had just made an appearance.

Moments passed as Dr. Bayden watched Kimmy, waiting for her to make her decision. She folded her hands in her lap and let out a loud sigh, attempting to not only rush Kimmy so she didn't waste her full session, but to force her embarrassing, obnoxious inner drunk back down into her liver where she belonged.

"Alright." Kimmy sunk back into the couch, sighing and throwing her hands up as a sign of defeat. "You win. You're the doc."

"You're damn right," Dr. Bayden exclaimed as she flipped to a blank page. "Shut up," she whispered angrily to her alcoholic persona as she uncapped her pen. She cleared her throat as she scribbled the date across the top of the page. "Okay," Dr. Bayden began, folding her hands in her lap once more and clearing her throat, "let's talk about this weird sex stuff. What's so weird about it that causes you refer to it as such every time you bring it up?"

Kimmy gulped, wringing her hands nervously. It was the first time she was going to discuss the subject in the slightest with anyone and she wasn't sure how well she could handle the old emotions.

"Well, when I first moved to New York, I mentioned it to my roommate, Titus, and he said it was 'gay sex stuff'."

Dr. Bayden ceased scribbling notes down and peered up at Kimmy with concern and confusion displayed on her face.

"Is that what makes it weird to you?" She asked, twisting her pen between her fingertips.

"Well, yeah," Kimmy replied, nodding as if it was completely obvious. "The reverend always told us that women can’t be gay. You can only turn gay if you’re a man who watches too much Will and Grace or The Golden Girls. Plus, why would he let us do something that he claimed caused the apocalypse?"

The room was silent as Dr. Bayden attempted to process the heap of outdated and completely incorrect information that Kimmy had been fed while she was down in the bunker.

“He told you women can’t be gay?” Dr. Bayden asked in shock and disbelief. She knew the girls were sheltered, but she had no idea they were _that_ sheltered. “And that men _turn_ gay by watching classic 80s and 90s sitcoms?”

Kimmy nodded in response to both questions, confused by the tone of her therapist’s voice. She didn’t understand why something she thought was common knowledge came as such a surprise to someone who was supposed to know how brains work.

“Kimmy,” Dr. Bayden began, tapping her pen on her clipboard as she thought of how to explain the truth to her Uber driver-turned-patient without overwhelming her too much, “do you think this ‘weird sex stuff’ was gay?” She didn’t know how to address the reverend’s lies without making Kimmy more upset than she already was.

“Well,” Kimmy paused, thinking hard about her experience in the bunker, “no.”

Dr. Bayden grew even more confused by Kimmy’s response. She _really_ underestimated how sheltered Kimmy was.

“Why do you think that?"

Kimmy folded her hands in her lap, almost exactly mirroring Dr. Bayden's pose from a few moments prior.

"The reverend told us, when we first learned about why the apocalypse happened, that the earth was scorched because gay people were doing butt stuff everywhere. I can assure you, we didn't do any butt stuff in the bunker."

Dr. Bayden sighed and nodded as she simultaneously scribbled "no butt stuff" under Kimmy's notes for that session and whispered the phrase under her breath.

"Well then," Dr. Bayden started, looking up from her clipboard, "what would you call what happened down in the bunker?" She was almost afraid to ask because it seemed the reverend fed the girls nothing but outlandish nonsense for the fifteen years they were imprisoned and Kimmy's earlier responses were nothing but nails in her hangover coffin.

"Just girls doing what girls did at our age. Well, Cyndee, Gretchen, and mine's age. Donna Maria repeated "No soy un pedófilo" repeatedly every time it happened." Kimmy shrugged, completely unaware that the older woman spent all those years not wanting anyone to think of her as a pedophile.

Dr. Bayden raised an eyebrow at Kimmy's remark.

"And how did that make you feel?" Dr. Bayden asked, immediately cringing as she realized how stereotypically therapist-y she sounded.

Color filled Kimmy's cheeks as she sat and thought of how to respond. She grew visibly flustered as she allowed her mind to wander back down that part of memory lane.

“I mean, it wasn't weird at all. Actually, it made my stomach do all kinds of flip flops. The warm fuzzy kind of flip flops.”

“Interesting,” Dr. Bayden mumbled, scribbling more notes under “no butt stuff”. “And you didn't think that was considered gay?”

“No, no, no.” Kimmy shook her head. “Like I said, the reverend told us women can't be gay, and I'm a woman.” She gestured subtly to her chest, as if the fact she was a woman wasn't already extremely apparent to her therapist.

Dr. Bayden sighed, jotting down “is a woman” under “no butt stuff” and “warm fuzzy flip flops”, just to appease her patient.

“Did you only have this warm fuzzy flip flop feeling while down in the bunker or do you still feel like this when you see women?”

Kimmy shrugged, jiggling her leg as her anxiety started affecting her ability to focus on her thoughts.

“Okay, I can tell thinking about all women at once is too much for you.” Dr. Bayden dropped her pen onto her clipboard and folded her hands in her lap. “How about women in your life? What do you feel when you're around your boss, for instance?”

As soon as the question left Dr. Bayden’s lips, a rosy color ran through Kimmy’s cheeks and her leg jiggling increased pace.

“Um, well,” Kimmy paused, patting her cheeks with the palms of her hands to soothe the warm sensation. “My stomach does more than just feel warm and fuzzy and do flip flops. It's like,” Kimmy paused once more, this time making a fluttering motion around her naval area with her fingers, “butterflies are covering every inch of my stomach and trying to fly right out of me.”

“I see,” Dr. Bayden responded, looking down at her clipboard and jotting notes.

 “I want to kiss her a lot, mostly because she acts like she wants to kiss me. And sometimes, she'll say or do something that'll give my crotch a _huge_ headache. Like a crotch migraine, almost. Or a crotch concussion.”

Dr. Bayden stopped writing and looked up at Kimmy over the top of her thick-rimmed glasses.

“Kimmy,” Dr. Bayden paused to clear her throat, “are you aware that women _can_ actually be gay?”

Dr. Bayden’s question elicited a shocked gasp and head shaking in disagreement out of Kimmy.

“No way, that's not possible.” All color drained from Kimmy’s cheeks. “There's no way that's possible. I don't want to do any kind of butt stuff with Ms. White. Plus, I have these!” Kimmy gestured towards her chest once more, genuinely worrying that her therapist hadn't noticed her breasts the first time she pointed them out.

Dr. Bayden chuckled and nodded, placing her pen on top of the clipboard’s metal clip.

“It's definitely possible, Kimmy. And it doesn't have to involve being a man or doing butt stuff, either. Just ask night Andrea.”

Kimmy opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was a sharp exhale.

“How are you feeling right now?” Dr. Bayden asked, leaning towards a completely stunned Kimmy.

“I-I… am I gay?” Kimmy stuttered, the word “gay” almost getting stuck in the back of her throat.

“That's something you have to ask yourself.” Dr. Bayden responded gently. “Do men give your,” she paused, sitting back in her chair and removing her glasses from her face, “crotch a headache?”

Kimmy nodded.

“Boys give me flip flop feelings, too. They feel a lot different, but they’re still flip flop feelings. That doesn't make me gay, right? Because I like boys?”

“Well,” Dr. Bayden began her attempt to explain, but was cut off by Kimmy continuing her rant.

“Gay still hasn't made it to Indiana! Being gay and doing butt stuff is against what Gosh and Jeez want, anyways, so there's no way in heck I can be gay!”

Dr. Bayden lifted her index finger in Kimmy’s direction in an attempt to silence her. As much as she enjoyed getting paid for going over schedule times, her hangover had her in no mood to want to screw her patient out of more money.

“Kimmy, listen,” Dr. Bayden tried to speak over Kimmy’s blathering. She sighed as Kimmy continued to list off every reason she could think of why she couldn't be gay. As Kimmy started numbering her reasons, Dr. Bayden flipped to a blank page on her clipboard and drew a line down the center. She labeled one side “not gay”, and the other “gay”, heavily underlining the words.

“Number seventeen, I’ve never even watched an episode of –“ Kimmy’s outlandish reason was interrupted by a loud whistle from across the room.

Dr. Bayden sat in silence, waiting to see if Kimmy’s excuses were going to cease. As moments passed and the room remained quiet, Dr. Bayden let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank you,” Dr. Bayden nodded, wincing as her ears began to ring from her loud whistle. “Okay, here's what we’re going to do. I'm going to ask you a series of questions, and your answers are going to go under the corresponding column on this sheet of paper.” She gestured towards her clipboard with the tip of her pen. “We’ll go over what this all means when the question portion has concluded.”

Kimmy nodded in agreement and folded her hands in her lap, sitting up as straight as possible and crossing her legs.

“Let's do this.”

Dr. Bayden grinned and nodded her head, then looked back down at her clipboard.

“Okay, first question. Are you attracted to women?”

Kimmy shrugged.

“I guess so, yeah.”

“Are you attracted to men?”

Kimmy nodded.

“I am.”

Dr. Bayden hummed as she wrote Kimmy’s answers under their respective columns.

“Alright. Are you particularly attracted to a specific woman at the moment?”

Color invaded Kimmy’s cheeks once more. Her mouth opened, but no words came out.

“Kimmy, it’s alright. You're in a safe space to talk about this,” Dr. Bayden attempted to reassure Kimmy, whose leg was shaking like a washing machine with a heavy load in it. “Are you attracted to a specific woman at the moment?” she asked once more.

“Jacqueline, yes,” Kimmy gulped as she responded.

“Are you particularly attracted to a specific man at the moment?”

Kimmy shook her head softly.

“Not right now, no.”

“Alright, alright, alright,” Dr. Bayden mumbled as she wrote those sets of answers under their respective columns. “Do you think your being attracted to women makes you gay?”

“Fudge no,” Kimmy responded almost immediately.

“Can you elaborate?” Dr. Bayden requested, not willing to take “fudge no” as a valid answer.

“It's a normal feeling. Plus, I still don't think there's any way for a lady to be gay.”

“It's a normal feeling?” Dr. Bayden questioned, furrowing her eyebrows at Kimmy’s remark.

“It sure is. Whenever we’d practice kissing down in the bunker, for a purpose that is still unknown to this day, all the girls, except for Donna Maria, of course, would get really excited.”

“They would?”

Kimmy grinned and nodded, reminiscing on those rare not-so-terrible days in the bunker.

“Mhmm!”

“Why were they excited?”

“Well, Cyndee was excited to practice so she could kiss Brandon Yeagley after the apocalypse was over. Gretchen was excited because it meant women were doing one less thing they shouldn't have been doing in the first place. Talking being one of those things, of course.”

Dr. Bayden nodded, scribbling down notes at the bottom of the page.

“And you were excited because…?”

“Because I got to kiss pretty girls!”

Dr. Bayden stared at Kimmy, tapping her chin with the cap of her pen.

“You were excited because you got to kiss girls but they were excited for other reasons?”

Kimmy nodded, beginning to wiggle her foot instead of jiggling her whole entire leg.

“And you don't think that's a bad thing?”

“Nope!”

Dr. Bayden sighed, writing a fairly large block of notes under the “gay” column.

“Okay, that's all I'm going to ask at this point,” Dr. Bayden spoke softly as she finished jotting down notes on the bottom of the page.

“That wasn't that bad!” Kimmy grinned, relaxing back into the couch cushion.

“Kimmy, I don't know how else to put this,” Dr. Bayden capped her pen and sighed. “After going through these questions with you, there is enough evidence here to prove that you are what we like to call a queer woman.”

Kimmy scrunched her nose at the word. She had never heard it used in a way that wasn't negative and degrading.

“That means that although you may not be fully, one hundred percent gay, you are attracted to women.”

“What are you trying to say, doc?”

Dr. Bayden sighed, uncapping her pen and turning the clipboard sideways. She scribbled two words in large, capital letters across the whole page, tilting it up to show Kimmy once she was finished.

“You're a lady lover, my dude,” Dr. Bayden responded in a harsher tone, pointing at “LADY LOVER” on the page. “And your time for this session is over. Nut up and go get her. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bottle of whisky that's been calling my name since I woke up this morning.” Dr. Bayden stood up from her chair, tucking her clipboard under her arm and saluting Kimmy. Her drunken side had once again made its appearance, but she was too done to care.

“Wait, get who?” Kimmy asked, not a hundred percent sure if she understood what Andrea was implying.

“Your boss, you dingus!” Dr. Bayden replied, stretching her arms out in Kimmy’s direction.

“Are you sure?” Kimmy questioned, standing up in front of her therapist.

“Am I about to go drink my hangover away? You're damn right.” Dr. Bayden chuckled as she walked towards her office door, pushing Kimmy along with her. “Just remember, nut up,” she grinned, opening the door and nudging Kimmy out of it. “See you next week!” Dr. Bayden shouted as she slammed her office door shut, leaving Kimmy standing out in the waiting room.

“Nut up, Schmidt. Nut up…” Kimmy whispered to herself repeatedly in an attempt to encourage herself. She repeated it to herself until a signature Kimmy Schmidt grin made its way onto her face, her eagerness to share her news with everyone finally coaxing her out of the office and down the streets of New York City.

“Hey there, sir, I'm a lady lover!” Kimmy greeted an old man cheerfully as she passed him on the sidewalk in front of a bodega.

“Go to hell,” he immediately replied, waving his cane at her.

“Will do!” Kimmy responded with a grin on her face as she skipped away from him.

As Kimmy approached her apartment building, she spotted Lillian, who was sitting on her stoop and holding a sign that read “Say no to the hipster movement (Vote Lillian Kaushtupper for Mayor)”.

“Hey, Lillian!” Kimmy greeted her landlord as she skipped up to the stoop she was comfortably sat on. “I learned something at therapy today!”

“What was it, dear?” Lillian questioned, pausing to obnoxiously wave her sign at a twenty-something year old looking passerby. “Is it that the government is controlling our brains through our TVs and phones? Because I’ve been saying that since the Motorola DynaTAC came out.”

“No, no,” Kimmy shook her head and giggled. “I actually learned that I’m a lady lover!”

“Aren’t we all, dear?” Lillian chortled loudly, almost dropping her sign on the ground in front of her.

Kimmy smiled widely and shrugged. Instead of hanging around on the sidewalk, she decided to skip towards the front door of her apartment as Lillian began screaming about how useless vape pens were at a bearded man who walked by her while vaping.

Kimmy jumped down the steps to her door, squealing as she landed. Before she was able to grab for the doorknob herself, the door flew open, an exercise gear-clad Titus standing in the doorway.

“Girl, what are you doing? I was stretching so I could make it up the front steps without having another heart attack and you woke the pregnant raccoon in the wall.”

“I’m sorry,” Kimmy began to apologize, regaining her balance and straightening herself out. “I’m just so excited!”

Titus squinted in Kimmy’s direction, truly puzzled by her enthusiasm.

“You just came from therapy, Kim Blake Nelson, why are you so hyped?”

“Because!” Kimmy took a deep breath. “I found out I’m a lady lover!” Kimmy exclaimed loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear while shaking her hands excitedly on either side of her face.

Titus’s face changed swiftly from confused to excited. “Kimberly Whatever Your Middle Name Is Schmidt, I can’t believe it!” Titus exclaimed, jumping up and down and clapping.

“It’s Cougar, and I know!” Kimmy began jumping up and down with Titus. “I couldn’t believe it either!”

Titus’s breathing grew labored, causing his jumping to cease.

“Girl, I knew there was something Melissa Etheridge-esque about you!” Titus waved a hand excitedly in Kimmy’s direction as he attempted to catch his breath. “How’d you find this one out?”

Kimmy stopped jumping moments after Titus, her elation giving her much more energy than she usually had.

“I talked to Dr. Bayden about the bunker today and she said I was a lady lover and that it’s Jacqueline’s fault!”

“White weirdo say what?” Titus cocked his head in puzzlement at the mention of Kimmy’s boss friend. “Did you just say it’s Jacqueline’s fault that you’re a lady lover?”

“Yep!” Kimmy nodded as-a-matter-of-factly, “Dr. Bayden said the feelings Jacqueline gives me are lady loving feelings and that I need to nut up and go get her.”

“Your therapist said that?” Titus questioned his friend, doubting she’d truly be instructed to nut up by a professional therapist.

“She said, and I quote, ‘Nut up and go get her.’ And then she shooed me out of her office, so I guess I have to nut up and go get her!” Kimmy exclaimed, deciding now was as good of a time as any to take her therapist’s advice.

Kimmy turned around and jogged up the front steps to the sidewalk, leaving Titus standing in the doorway of their apartment.

“Use protection!” Titus called out to his friend as he backed into the apartment and closed the door.

Kimmy’s skipping turned into jogging as she made her way to her boss’s apartment. She was excited to share her news with Jacqueline, but boy, was she scared. Possible scenarios of how Jacqueline could’ve reacted ran through Kimmy’s mind, overpowering her excitement and slowing her jog down to a powerwalk.

“Nut up, Schmidt. You can do this,” Kimmy tried to assure herself as she approached Jacqueline’s apartment building. She took deep breaths in an attempt to relax herself before she approached the doorman of Jacqueline’s building. Instead of greeting him like she usually did and letting him know about her newfound discovery, Kimmy decided it was best to just wave politely and make her way up to Jacqueline’s apartment before all of her enthusiasm and excitement completely disappeared.

“Nut up, nut up, nut up,” Kimmy repeated quietly as the elevator reached Jacqueline’s floor. “Nut the fudge up, you got this. She’s going to take it better than you think. Just go in there and do it. You got this!” The volume of Kimmy’s voice grew louder as she managed to successfully psych herself up once more.

No sooner than the elevator doors opened, Kimmy walked out and made an immediate right, walking quickly down the hallway to Jacqueline’s expensive-looking apartment door.

“You got this, Schmidt,” Kimmy whispered to herself as she knocked on the wood, drawing her hand back to her chest after knocking three times.

It seemed like time had stopped while Kimmy waited for Jacqueline to answer the door. Her heart began pounding loudly in her ears and her leg began to jiggle.

Suddenly, the sound of a deadbolt unlatching resonated from the other side of the door, causing Kimmy’s thoughts and leg jiggling to freeze completely.

“Kimmy!” Jacqueline greeted cheerfully as she opened the door. “What are you doing here? You usually call – “ Before Jacqueline could finish her statement, she was cut off by a pair of lips nervously crashing into her own. Her eyes widened in complete shock.

Kimmy pulled away, wiping the spit off of her lips with the back of her hand.

“I’m a lady lover and it’s your fault!” Kimmy exclaimed, her signature wide smile returning.

“You don’t say?” Jacqueline grinned, grabbing her employee friend by the wrist. “I can’t believe it took you _this_ long to finally figure that one out.”

“I do say!” Kimmy replied cheerfully, taking Jacqueline’s grin as a sign that she wasn’t going to be fired or blocked on Facebook. “Dr. Bayden told me to nut up and come get you, so here I am!”

“I see,” Jacqueline smirked at how visibly elated Kimmy was. “Well, you came all this way. Why don’t you come in?”

“Don’t mind if I do!” Kimmy’s smile widened even more as she walked into Jacqueline’s semi-empty apartment. If coming out to her boss was going to result in this, she _definitely_ needed to do it more often.

**Author's Note:**

> okay, so I'm republishing this on a new account (this one) due to the fact that I'd like to distance myself from the username on my other account. it's weird, I know, but I'm shamelessly republishing the fic, so I really don't care how weird it is. I want to do more fics like this, honestly. this one was really fun to write!


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